complete vs finished !!!

No English dictionary has been able to explain  the difference between the two words - 'complete' and 'finished'  in a way that's so easy to understand: Some people say there is no difference  between  'complete 'and 'finished '  but there is: When you marry the right one, you are  COMPLETE.... And when you marry the wrong one, you are  FINISHED..... And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED !!!

Thoughts for the day with a bit of humour-- some new but all worth the laugh!!

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.  

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.  

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.  

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.  

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement  .

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.  

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.  

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt  .  
Ageing: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. 


When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
 
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. 

One of the many things no one tells you about ageing is that it is such a nice change from being young. 

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
 
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down. 

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth... AMEN..!!

3 Wives in a Compound....

Imagine......

Living with 3 Wives in one compound,

and never leaving the House

for  5 years -                 !!!!!

I think

Osama called the US Navy Seals himself....

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won..

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey, that he entered it in the Race
again, and it won again...

The local paper read:
*PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT*

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:
*BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. *
**
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid
of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline
the next day:
**NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. *

The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so
she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:
* NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. *

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back
the Donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run Wild..

The next day the headlines read:
**NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE**

The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . .. *Being concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery .. . Even shorten your life. *

So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
You'll be a lot happier....and Live longer!

Precise Mathematics ADDS UP!

Mathematics:
This comes from 2 math teachers
with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
By the way DISHONEST = 113!
Now you know why some people are where they are!

Cost of Savings from Sex!

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate down sizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another job.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly$1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million.
She explained that she had 'charged' him for sex, and these were the results of her savings and investments.
The husband was so astounded he could barely speak. Finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have had sex only with you.'
That's when she shot him......