Easter greetings

Wishing all my former classmates at SAC and their lovely families Easter Blessings and Joy in the Risen Christ....

I am currently in God's Own Country Kerala, enjoying some quality time with my grandchildren Daniel and and Eleanor, and with their parents - Prashanth and Sarah... who are visiting from the UK.

Happy Easter...

Maxie

-- 

Maxwell Pereira IPS (Retd.)
3725 Sector-23, Gurgaon-122017

Crabby Old Man - Brilliant!!!

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in GRASS
VALLEY, CA. it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.
Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they
  found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that
copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. One
nurse took her copy to Missouri.
The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the
Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association
for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on
his simple, but eloquent, poem.
And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is
now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.

Crabby Old Man…
What do you see nurses? . . .. . . What do you see?
What are you thinking . . . . . when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man .. . . . .. not very wise,
Uncertain of habit . . . . . with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food . .. . . . and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . . . . . 'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice .. . . . . the things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not . . . . . lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . . . The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? . . . . . Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . . you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am. . . . .. . As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, . . . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . . . . .. with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters . . . . . who love one another.

A young boy of Sixteen . . . . with wings on his feet.
Dreaming that soon now . . . . . a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . .. . my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows .. .. . . . that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now . . .. . . I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . . . . With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons . . .. . . have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me . . . . .. to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, . . . . . babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . . My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me . . . . . my wife is now dead.
I look at the future . . . . . shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing . . . . . young of their own.
And I think of the years .. . . . . and the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man . . . .. .. and nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age .. . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles .. . . . . grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone . . . . where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass, a young guy still dwells,
And now and again . . . . . my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys . . . . .. I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . . . life over again.

I think of the years, all too few . . . . .. gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people . . . . . open and see.
Not a crabby old man . .. Look closer . .. . see ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might
brush aside without looking at the young soul within. We will all, one
day, be there, too! The best and most beautiful things of this world
can't be seen or touched. They must be felt by the heart.

The Shoebox

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had
shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no
secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe
box in the top of her cupboard that she had cautioned her husband
never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one
day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would
not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the
shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two knitted dolls and a stack of money
totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the
secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.
She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep
quiet and knit a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him twice
in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of this
money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

A Prayer.......
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death,
Because I don't have time to knit!

Seniors are after all Seniors!

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car sales room.

Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 100 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the floor even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 120 mph, then 140 and then 160 mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding - that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman...I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman, as he drove off..!!
--
Maxwell Pereira IPS (Retd.)
3725 Sector-23, Gurgaon-122017

9871263322

Three Trees..............

Once there were three trees on a hill in the woods. They were discussing their hopes and dreams when the first tree said, 'Someday I hope to be a treasure chest. I could be filled with gold, silver and precious gems. I could be decorated with intricate carving and everyone would see the beauty.'

Then the second tree said, 'Someday I will be a mighty ship. I will take Kings and Queens across the waters and sail to the corners of the world. Everyone will feel safe in me because of the strength of my hull.

Finally the third tree said, 'I want to grow to be the tallest and straightest tree in the forest. People will see me on top of the hill and look up to my branches, and think of the heavens and God and how close to them I am reaching. I will be the greatest tree of all time and people will always remember me .'

After a few years of praying that their dreams would come true, a group of woodsmen came upon the trees. When one came to the first tree he said,'This looks like a strong tree, I think I should be able to sell the wood to a Carpenter, 'and he began cutting it down. The tree was happy, because he knew that the carpenter would make him into a treasure chest.

At the second tree the woodsman said, 'This looks like a strong tree. I should be able to sell it to the shipyard.' The second tree was happy because he knew he was on his way to becoming a mighty ship.

When the woodsmen came upon the third tree, the tree was frightened because he knew that if they cut him down his dreams would not come true. One of the woodsmen said, 'I don't need anything special from my tree, I'll take this one,' and he cut it down.

When the first tree arrived at the carpenters, he was made into a feed box for animals. He was then placed in a barn and filled with hay. This was not at all what he had prayed for.

The second tree was cut and made into a small fishing boat. His dreams of being a mighty ship and carrying kings had come to an end.

The third tree was cut into large pieces, and left alone in the dark.

The years went by, and the trees forgot about their dreams.

Then one day, a man and woman came to the barn. She gave birth and they placed the baby in the hay in the feed box that was made from the first tree. The man wished that he could have made a crib for the baby, but this manger would have to do. The tree could feel the importance of this event and knew that it had held the greatest treasure of all time.

Years later, a group of men got in the fishing boat made from the second tree. One of them was tired and went to sleep. While they were out on the water, a great storm arose and the tree didn't think it was strong enough to keep the men safe. The men woke the sleeping man, and He stood and Said 'Peace' and t he storm stopped. At this time, the tree knew that it had carried the King of Kings in its boat.

Finally,someone came and got the third tree. It was carried through the streets as the people mocked the man who was carrying it. When they came to a stop, the man was nailed to the tree and raised in the air to die at the top of a hill. When Sunday came, the tree came to realize that it was strong enough to stand at the top of the hill and be as close to God as was possible, because Jesus had been crucified on it.

The moral of this story is that when things don't seem to be going your way, always know that God has a plan for you. If you place your trust in Him, God will give you great gifts.

Each of the trees got what they wanted, just not in the way they had imagined.

We don't always know what God's plans are for us. We just know that His Ways are not our ways, but His ways are always best.

Parsi Hindi

Parsi Hindi....

Parsi woman desperately trying to catch a BEST Bus....,

Getting on bus shouts "Oye Mr. conductor, kya karta hai -

hamara ek tang upar aur ek niche aur beech me tum Ting Ting karta hai"!!

 

St Teresa

Dear Fatima,

Even though I do not believe in such forwards and consider such only as means devised to clutter and spam cyberspace for purposes not bonafide including the likely danger of identity theft....

I am forwarding this one merely because I consider St Teresa as my patron saint as I was born on her feast day.

And I am forwarding it not with the dubious promise based on meaningless blind faith of some unknown benefit accruing for forwarding within 5-minutes of my receiving this etc ....or to 11-people as has been indicated. Consequently I have kept to myself the identity of those to whom I have sent this with no emotional blackmail attached, and left it to their discretion whether or not to forward it further - but only after observing the due internet protocol.

Regards,

Maxwell

 

This came at such an appropriate time. 
Prayers for healing??
Look at the picture, read the prayer and then make a wish and read the
prayer again... 

I am picking 2 people who have touched my life and who I think would want to
receive this. Please send it back to me (You'll see why).

In case you are not aware, Saint Theresa is known as the Saint of the Little
Ways, meaning she believed in doing the little things in life well and with
great love.... She is represented by roses. 
May everyone who receives this message
be blessed. Saint Theresa's Prayer
Cannot be deleted.

REMEMBER to make a wish before you read the prayer. That's all you have to
do. There is nothing attached. Just share this with people and see what
happens on the fourth day. Sorry you have to forward the message, but try
not to break this, please. Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive.
Read the prayer below.

Saint Teresa's Prayer

May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us..
*************
'Worry looks around,
Sorry looks back, Faith looks up.'
This angel is sent to you..
You may send this to as many people as you wish taking care to protect the identity of the people you send it to, and ensuring that you maintain internet protocol and observe cyber etiquette.

Have faith.. 

Ecstatic to meet your parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have
a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend
that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the
first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a
trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist
it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and
sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd
like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute
passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans
over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this
religious..'
The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

should children witness childbirth?

Date: 19 March 2012

....we have something from hector noronha at last

Should any children witness childbirth? 
Good question!!!. 
           Here's your answer.... 
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to
the call. 
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked little Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby... 
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. 
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.... 
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom, and
Connor began to cry. 
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had
just witnessed.. 
Kathleen quickly responded,  'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....
Smack his ass again !!!'    

If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.

Potentiality & Reality

.....from Trilochan Bailur on Mar-14, 2012

Youngest Son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between "Potentiality" and "Reality"?"
Dad :  "I will show you".
Dad turns to his wife and asks her: "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars?"
Wife:  "Of course! I would never waste such an opportunity..."
Then Dad asks his daughter if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars.  
Daughter: "Wow! Yes, he is my fantasy!"
So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars?"
Elder son : "Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million dollars. I would never hesitate!".
So the father turns back to his younger son saying: "You see son, potentially we are sitting on 3 million

dollars but in reality we are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay!"

Lawyers always win ?

A Married Lawyer was having fun in his car, with his secretary.

 

On getting home his wife observed panties on the back seat,

 

She tore it apart screaming "honey what is this ??"    

 

He calmly replied : "you have just destroyed the evidence of the rape case, worth a million for me which I'm handling.

 

You can forget the jewellery you were asking for".

 

She quickly fell on her knees apologizing.

 

 

No one wins over a Lawyer.!

Even something called A WIFE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

--

Maxwell Pereira IPS (Retd.)

3725 Sector-23, Gurgaon-122017

Joan Baez

'MY FRIENDS SAID: MARRY STEVE JOBS. BUT I COULDN'T QUITE DO IT'

Joan Baez has survived air raids in Hanoi, weeks in prison and turbulent love affairs with Bob Dylan and Steve Jobs. The queen of American folk music tells Ed Potton, Rock and Pop Editor, why her flag-waving days are finally over



WAITING for Joan Baez in a Central London hotel, I'm not sure whether to expect Joan of Arc or Zelig. The serene, solemn queen of protest music, Baez and her guitar were present at some of the flashpoints of post-war history. A passionate campaigner for civil rights and against the Vietnam War, she counted Martin Luther King and Vaclav Havel as friends, co-founded the American arm of Amnesty International and was one of only four acts to play both Woodstock and Live Aid. She is also almost certainly the only person to have seen both Bob Dylan and Steve Jobs naked.
Baez sweeps in and says hello. At 71, she is still strikingly beautiful: limpid brown eyes, coffee-coloured skin, hair cropped short, a tangerine silk scarf around her neck. Poised and warm in a measured way, she exudes a quiet sense of her own worth - though later she will also laugh at her big-headedness and discuss her hang-ups with unflinching honesty.
After decades of non-violent protest, including campaigning for gay rights, and against the death penalty, two spells in jail and being caught in an 11-night US bombing raid on Hanoi in 1972, she has retired from "the front line". Climate change, she thinks, is the most pressing issue today, and if she were younger she would certainly be active in the Occupy movement, "sleeping out in a tent, getting pneumonia". But her involvement these days is mainly limited to charity concerts and behind-the-scenes work with her human rights charity, Humanitas International.
This is the eve of her latest British tour - at 21 dates, it's not quite as long as the never-ending one favoured by her former boyfriend, Dylan. The lucid soprano of her youth is now a few registers lower, but she still has her distinctive vibrato and a canon of songs spanning 50 years; from God is God, the song written for her by the roots musician Steve Earle for her 2008 album, Day After Tomorrow, back to her famous 1975 hit Diamonds and Rust and We Shall Overcome, the song she sang in Washington, on the same day that King made his I Have a Dream speech.
"Friends say that when I call home I sound the happiest," she says of touring. She has struggled with a fear of intimacy, so in some ways her most successful connections have been with fans at her concerts: "I'm quite at home with 2,000 people. There's some kind of unburdening and openness that I just automatically do."
Baez's one-on-one relationships have been more turbulent. Her pairing with Jobs in the early Eighties was "an odd combin-ation". Jobs, at whose memorial she performed last year, was "totally left brain and I have none". She adds: "Mostly we argued about things. He said he could create with a computer a classical quintet that would be as magnificent as any there ever was. I said there couldn't be the soul in it. On the other hand, I guess you know his last words? 'Oh wow! Oh wow!' He was probably rearranging the Golden Gate."
Were they in love? "Maybe, or maybe I was just fascinated." Jobs said that he would have asked her to marry him had she been young enough to bear children. "I had friends who said: 'Marry him! You'll never have a financial problem in your life.' But I couldn't quite do it."
Born in New York in 1941 to Albert, a Mexican-born scientist turned lecturer, and his Scottish wife, also called Joan, Baez had the classic performer's itinerant childhood, living in America, the UK, France, Switzerland, Spain, Canada and Iraq. In Iraq, her dark complexion meant that she was often mistaken for a local, which gave her an inkling of how it might feel to be trampled on by a Western power. "It was the British, actually." she laughs. "Also, being a girl in that society. I remember going to the [boat club] races. I went down to the front row and they plucked me out in a hurry. I wasn't allowed there." It was around this time that her mother gave her a copy of The Diary of Anne Frank, which began a lifetime of empathy with the oppressed and imprisoned.
In 1958, Baez's father was posted to Massachusetts Institute of Technology and she made her first forays into music on the Boston coffee shop scene, finding a natural affinity with old folk songs about love and death. How Sweet the Sound, a 2009 documentary about Baez, shows ranks of earnest Brylcreemed young men, rapt at her beauty, singing and finger-picking guitar.
Another focus of male attention was her younger sister, Mimi, with whom Baez was both close and competitive. When Mimi asked whether she should follow her into music, Baez said no, "because she would always be in my shadow". Mimi did it anyway, but Baez proved to be right. "She always resented it, and it always made me feel guilty." Mimi died of cancer 11 years ago. Towards the end she pushed Joan away, "which in some ways made things easier, delayed the pain".
It had been Mimi who first caught the eye of the young Dylan. "Yes, and I was so big-headed I didn't even notice it!" Baez laughs. But it was Joan and Bob who ended up as an item, musically and romantically. "Our voices blended well," Dylan says in How Sweet the Sound. "We could sing about anything and it would make sense."
She has warm memories. Riding around Woodstock on Dylan's motorbike; her in front because he was a "terrible driver". She would watching him write while in the car. "He'd never stop. It was pouring like molten gold down his hand."
Songwriting was never Baez's forte: most of her famous ones were written by others. "There's only one song of mine that's universal and that's Diamonds and Rust," she says. "The rest are good poetry, but they don't reach people in the same way. I'd have liked to have written an anthem."
Her relationship with Dylan fizzled out while on a British tour in 1965. Baez was sidelined as Dylan went supersonic. "I was just trying to deal with the madness that had become my career," he says in How Sweet the Sound. "Unfortunately, she got swept along and I felt very bad about it."
"That was an apology, kinda," Baez smiles. Did she wish him a happy 70th birthday last year? "No, I was too obsessed with my own!" The last time she saw him was at a folk festival in England. He was "absolutely pleasant", they talked about Mimi, about her mum. "He always liked my mum, as did Harry Belafonte, who said she was nicer than I was."
Was Belafonte right? Baez nods. Big Joan, as her mother is known, is almost 99 now and lives with Baez in Woodside, near San Francisco. Big Joan has an "innate" sense of justice that rubbed off on her daughter. She joined Baez in protesting against the Vietnam draft and they ended up in jail together. "I loved jail," Baez says. "I gained eight pounds. It was very good food." It was there that Baez met David Harris, a leading anti-draft campaigner, who was in an adjoining men's prison. Three months later they married. It lasted only five years, until 1973, partly scuppered by another spell in prison for Harris and partly by Baez's promiscuity.
Baez's Casanova years might surprise those who see her as a totem of purity. "Each time, I thought: 'This is really it.' And of course it never was." On tour she was sometimes less sentimental about her conquests. "If you choose carefully, it's the last night (Friday) you're staying, then you move on to the next town."
Amid all this protest and passion, it was Baez and Harris's son, Gabriel, who suffered. "I never spent enough time with my son in the Sixties and Seventies," she says. She admits that she wasn't the most approachable of parents: "For a kid, I was the Empire State Building. One time he asked the kids down the street when their mums were going to leave on tour."
Now, she says, things are much better with Gabriel, who plays percussion with her on tour. "Now I have a chance to really be with him." She still feels guilty about the absences, but Gabriel will say: "Listen Mum, you're the only one who would do what you did then, at a very important time in our history, so quit worrying about it."
She doesn't believe in false modesty. I ask if she has ever been tempted to abandon her commitment to nonviolence and hit someone. She says that she came close with a zealous autograph hunter, or "trainspotter", as she calls him. "Jesus got fed up with the moneylenders, Gandhi got fed up with people who wanted to touch his robe, I got fed up with trainspotters."
If her ego can swell at times, her hair-shirt tendencies, partly a result of her Quaker upbringing, can edge into self-righteousness. After surviving the air raids in Hanoi, she said was "stricken with the fact that if I was spared somebody else was going to get that bomb". The pious young Baez must have been a bit of a drag at times. She once discovered a pound of marijuana that Harris and his friends had bought, and flushed the whole lot down the toilet.
These days, she says, she has loosened up: "I discovered what fun was like and decided I liked it." Key to her sunnier outlook was tackling the "childhood traumas" that led to her fear of intimacy and the stage fright that crippled her early in her career. She was in therapy for 30 years. It seems to have worked. She no longer gets stage fright, and she has good relationships with her mother, son and ex-husband. Is she happy? "I have the best shot at it that I've ever had," she says. There is no man in her life, "but that never brought happiness anyway".
Most of all, she has adjusted to a life on the margins. "It wasn't until fairly recently that I knew what it was like to walk out on a stage and not be worrying about everything else in the world I was supposed to be saving. Lo and behold, to my horror, the world just went on spinning when I stopped being front and centre."
COPYRIGHT - THE TIMES, LONDON

Car keys.....

THIS WILL EXPLAIN THAT GETTING OLD IS NOT ALL FUN. SOMETIMES DOWNRIGHT EMBARASSING. NOW LAUGH LOUDLY HA HA HA

The older I get, the better I was.

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys.

They were not in my pockets.   A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized,  I must have left them in the car.   Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.   My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.   Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police.   I gave them my location,  confessed that I had left my keys in the car,  and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all,  "Honey,"  I stammered. I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car,  and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence.   I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice. "Idiot",  she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent.   Embarrassed,  I said,  "Well,  come and get me."

She retorted,  "I will,  as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

Yep it's getting like that.   The golden years.

 

How's that Mate?

From: Trilochan Bailur: 9 March 2012

Only an Aussie could pull this one off ! A true story from Mount Isa
in Queensland ..
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local
neighborhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke
Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the
officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying
his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he
fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons
left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the
wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the
indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the
lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then
remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down
the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time,
now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the
man over and carried out a breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's
intoxication.
The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy"..

Timbuktu - A Poetry Competition

From: Trilochan Bailur : 7 March 2012
TIMBUKTU - A RIPPER

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a
university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word,
then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem
that contained the word. The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'

First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to
the microphone and said:

"Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu."

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.
The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

"Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent,
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and tim buktu."

The aboriginal won.

Broccoli Casserole

Broccoli Casserole (Humor)
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her
nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost
making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to
relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father
looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair,
and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'
Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the
woman had to let another rip.. This time she didn't even think about
it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
'Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'

The barber shop

George W Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start 

a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Bush in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Bush was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Laura will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Obama and said, "How about you sir?"
Obama replied, "Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

Healthy Tip

Cinnamon and Honey - Whoever thought?
Honey is the only food on the planet that will not spoil or rot. What it will do is what some call 'turning to sugar'. In reality, honey is always honey. However, when left in a cool dark place for a long time it will "crystallize". When this happens loosen the lid, boil some water and sit the honey container in the hot water, but turn off the heat and let it liquefy naturally. It is then as good as it ever was. Never boil honey or put it in a microwave. This will kill the enzymes in the honey.

Cinnamon and Honey
Bet the drug companies won't like this one getting around. Facts on Honey and Cinnamon: It is found that a mixture of honey and Cinnamon cures most diseases. Honey is produced in most of the countries of the world. Scientists of today also accept honey as a 'Ram Ban' (very effective) medicine for all kinds of diseases. Honey can be used without side effects for any kind of diseases.

Today's science says that even though honey is sweet, when it is taken in the right dosage as a medicine, it does not harm even diabetic patients. Weekly World News, a magazine in Canada, in its issue dated 17 January,1995 has given the following list of diseases that can be cured by ho ney and cinnamon, as researched by western scientists:

HEART DISEASES:
Make a paste of honey and cinnamon powder, apply it on bread instead of jelly and jam and eat it regularly for breakfast. It reduces the cholesterol in the arteries and saves the patient from heart attack. Also, those who have already had an attack, when they do this process daily, they are kept miles away from the next attack. Regular use of the above process relieves loss of breath and strengthens the heart beat. In America and Canada , various nursing homes have treated patients successfully and have found that as one ages the arteries and veins lose their flexibility and get clogged; honey and cinnamon revitalize the arteries and the veins.< span class="Apple-converted-space">

ARTHRITIS:
Arthritis patients may take daily (morning and night) one cup of hot water with two tablespoons of honey and one small teaspoon of cinnamon powder. When taken regularly even chronic arthritis can be cured. In a recent research conducted at the Copenhagen University, it was found that when the doctors treated their patients with a mixture of one tablespoon Honey and half teaspoon Cinnamon powder before breakfast, they found that within a week (out of the 200 people so treated) practically 73 patients were totally relieved of pain -- and within a month, most all the patients who could not walk or move around because of arthritis now started walking without pain.

BLADDER INFECTIONS:
Take two tablespoons of cinnamon powder and one teaspoon of honey in a glass of lukewarm water and drink it. It destroys the germs in the bladder.

CHOLESTEROL:
Two tablespoons of honey and three teaspoons of Cinnamon Powder mixed in 16 ounces of tea water given to a cholesterol patient was found to reduce the level of cholesterol in the blood by 10 percent within two hours. As mentioned for arthritic patients, when taken three times a day, any chronic cholesterol is cured. According to information received in the said Journal, pure honey taken with food daily relieves complaints of cholesterol.

COLDS:
Those suffering from common or severe colds should take one tablespoon lukewarm honey with 1/4 spoon cinnamon powder daily for three days. This process will cure most chronic cough, cold, and, clear the sinuses.

UPSET STOMACH:
Honey taken with cinnamon powder cures stomach ache and also clears stomach ulcers from its root.

GAS:
According to the studies done in India and Japan , it is revealed that when Honey is taken with cinnamon powder the stomach is relieved of gas.

IMMUNE SYSTEM:
Daily use of honey and cinn amon powder strengthens the immune system and protects the body from bacterial and viral attacks. Scientists have found that honey has various vitamins and iron in large amounts. Constant use of Honey strengthens the white blood corpuscles (where DNA is contained) to fight bacterial and viral diseases.

INDIGESTION:
Cinnamon powder sprinkled on two tablespoons of honey taken before food is eaten relieves acidity and digests the heaviest of meals.

INFLUENZA:
A scientist in Spain has proved that honey contains a natural 'Ingredient' which kills the influenza germs and saves the patient from flu.

LONGEVITY:
Tea made with honey and cinnamon powder, when taken regularly, arrests the ravages of old age. Use four teaspoons of honey, one teaspoon of cinnamon powder, and three cups of water and boil to make a tea. Drink 1/4 cup, three to four times a day. It keeps the skin fresh and soft and arrests old age. Life spans increase and even a 100 year old will start performing the chores of a 20-year-old..

RASPY OR SORE THROAT:
When throat has a tickle or is raspy, take one tablespoon of honey and sip until gone. Repeat every three hours until throat is without symptoms.

PIMPLES:
Three tablespoons of honey and one teaspoon of cinnamon powder paste. Apply this paste on the pimples before sleeping and wash it off the next morning with warm water. When done daily for two weeks, it removes all pimples from the ro ot.

SKIN INFECTIONS:
Applying honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts on the affected parts cures eczema, ringworm and all types of skin infections.

WEIGHT LOSS:
Daily in the morning one half hour before breakfast and on an empty stomach, and at night before sleeping, drink honey and cinnamon powder boiled in one cup of water. When taken regularly, it reduces the weight of even the mo st obese person. Also, drinking this mixture regularly does not allow the fat to accumulate in the body even though the person may eat a high calorie diet.

CANCER:
Recent research in Japan and Australia has revealed that advanced cancer of the stomach and bones have been cured successfully. Patients suffering from these kinds of cancer should daily take one tablespoon of honey with one teaspoon of cinnamon powder three times a day for one month .

FATIGUE:
Recent studies have shown that the sugar content of honey is more helpful rather than being detrimental to the strength of the body. Senior citizens who take honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts are more alert and flexible. Dr. Milton, who has done research, says that a half tablespoon of honey taken in a glass of water and sprinkled with cinnamon powder, even when the vitality of the body starts to decrease, when taken daily after brushing and in the afternoon at about 3:00 P.M., the vitality of the body increases within a week.

BAD BREATH:
People of South America, gargle with one teaspoon of honey and cinnamon powder mixed in hot water first thing in the morning so their breath stays fresh throughout the day.

HEARING LOSS:
Daily morning and night honey and cinnamon powder, taken in equal parts restores hearing. Remember when we were kids? We had toast with real butter and cinnamon sprinkled on it!

You might want to share this information with a friend, kinfolks and loved ones. Everyone needs healthy help information ~ what they do with it is up to them ~ share with your email buddies... They deserve to be healthy too!!!

The Talking Centipede

The Talking Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?" ... YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ... This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!" Learn to be patient.

Sarcasm at its best.......

Sarcasm at its best...
Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman that she should bring her own shopping bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.
The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."
The cashier responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."
She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, pop bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so they could use the same bottles over and over. Yes, they really were recycling.

We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen; and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But, we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up the stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every shop and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
But, she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an 'energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts;' wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But, that young lady is right. We didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And, the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the county of Yorkshire .

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the post, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power.

We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But, she's right. We didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank water from a fountain or a tap when we were thirsty instead of demanding a plastic bottle flown in from another country.

We accepted that a lot of food was seasonal and didn't expect that to be bucked by flying it thousands of air miles around the world.

We actually cooked food that didn't come out of a packet, tin or plastic wrap and we could even wash our own vegetables and chop our own salad.
But, we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the tram or a bus, and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mothers into a 24-hour taxi service.

We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances.

And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.
But, isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?