Dr. appointment

From: Raphael Maliakal on 30 December 2010

Beware! Don't mess around with retirees....
Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam.
Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.
But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
The room erupted in applause!
DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!!!

Are these jokes below standard? I thought it is funny and has a passing rating.
Let me know.
Happy New Year.

Raphael Maliakal

On 30 December 2010 08:41, leo cunha <leocunha@airtelmail.in> wrote:

dear raphael
  your jokes are just fine, my good ole classmate, keep them coming!!  in any case we are beyond the status of adults, far too old to be embarassed or corrupted.
  a happy new year to you, tessie, and extended family.  have a nice one

  ....Leo Cunha

Wife turns 65

From: Raphael Maliakal on 27 December 2010
Subject: Wife turns 65
Live, Love, Laugh
A man wanted to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party.
So he ordered a birthday cake on phone. The salesman asked him what message he wanted to put on the cake.
He thought for a moment and said, put "getting older but you are getting
better".
The salesman asked "how do you want me to put it?"
The man said 'Well...put "You are getting older" at the top and
"but you are getting better" at the bottom.
When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at the
message on the cake.
It read: "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at
the bottom".
Moral of the Story:
1. Always proof-read everything before you send.
2. Don't trust others to write it right for you.
3. Don't order cakes by telephone.

Raphael Maliakal

Hi from Peter Fernades in Mangalore: on 21 dECEMBER 2010

Dear Peter,

Thank you for the updates on your Christmas programmes.

Let me use the opportunity to wish you and all yours, a Merry Christmas, and a very Happy New Year.

God Bless,

Maxie

On 21 December 2010 08:42, Peter Fernandes <peterlfern@live.com> wrote:

Hi Maxie,
Reading the recent joke on our Blog I only hope it does not amount to glorifying sinful life.
As informed you earlier, I arrived in Mangalore with Goretti 2 days ago for a fortnight's stay.
There are more than a couple of celebrations in my family during the X'mas week. It is going to be an almost total family's reunion after many years with added new members! My car will be handy for local movement. Time-permitting I also I intend meeting few of our classmates.
A very happy Christmas to you and your family from both of us.
Best regards,
Peter

A Good time

From: Dr Trilochan A. Bailur, Anegundi Road, Bijai, MANGALORE 575004 on 17 December 2010 22:38

My kind of Sunday School teacher !!!
 
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week.
 
On one Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"
 
"Why yes, that would be nice!" the lady responded.
 
Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina.
 
When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no!" said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"
 
 Well, our gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked "Would you like a smoke?"
 
 "Oh my goodness no." said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did?"
 
 Well, our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with "Ahhh .. mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?"
 
 "Sure, that would be nice!" she said in anticipation.
 
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast u-turn right then and there, and drove back to the motel and checked in.
 
 The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible sex and perversions imaginable, the gentleman awoke first.
 
 He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought "What the hell have I done?"
 
 He shook her awake and pleaded "I've got to ask you one thing, what are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
 
 The lady said "The same thing I always tell them. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."
 
 
 .....which is what I always say.

 

Blond joke

From: Raphael Maliakal on 16 December 2010 09:01

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
 
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
 
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
 
The blonde says, "God help us.  Has it come to this?
  
Give me 22 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 16 Baptists

Raphael Maliakal

Margarette and Christopher D'Silva visit Norfolk With Kenneth, Dedra and Grand Children.

From: Raphael Maliakal ON 13 December 2010 08:15

Margarette and Christopher's grand Children Aden, Brenda & Conner View Photo If you are having problems viewing this email, copy and paste the following into your browser: http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/OrCpAcx2TiQgXH71h_JaKw?feat=email

Article in today's Indian Express

The first media coverage for CCM in the Christmas Season this year...

--
Maxwell Pereira IPS (Retd.)
3725 Sector-23, Gurgaon-122017

2010Nov10: From Raphael

(...to Sigismond - and shared with all)

Thanks for all the details. I feel like coming there to (Sakaleshpur) disturb your peace and solitude. Only the pictures are missing. I hope Leo took pictures and is downloading them.
 
After Christmas, Tessy is going for her nephew's wedding in Cochin for three weeks. I will not be able to go this time because of a court date. I will spend the rest of the time with children who live not too far. My oldest Sindu who lives only 20 miles away, has adopted a baby girl Divya (4 1/2 years) from Kerala. She has two boys of her own Sachin (10), Rohan (7).
 
My son Ashok has two children Cyril (6) and Anna (3) and lives in New Jersey about 250 miles away. My youngest daughter is expecting twins sometime in March 2011. She lives 150 miles away in Portland Maine.
 
I am sending a link to pictures of a party Sindu gave to welcome Divya. 
www.picasaweb.google.com/premmenachery
Prem Menachery takes a lot of pictures. You will have to select the right album to see Divya Party.

Sincerely 

Raphael Maliakal

2010Nov10: from Sigismond

Yes, I am not good at sending emails. But, dear Raphael, I might as well detail the mini reunion held at my place before anyone else does. The 2 couples, i.e. Prabhakar, Leo and their wives and Hector, who came alone because Elvira had jaundice, met at my place Saturday last. Harriet and my daughter, Reena, were here to help me entertain them.  Leo, who had an earlier experience here and certainly liked it, arrived a day earlier, on Friday.  Prabhakar and Radhika brought along Hector in his car.  We had a very nice time, full of nature, an occasional drizzle, and the crickets and birds added to the fun. We had to share all the chores since I do not entertain servants inside the house, but everybody helped willingly. Prabhakar's military quota beer and rum kept us all merry.  The two guest bedrooms were vast enough for comfort and attached bath/toilet with generous hot water heated by two 'Gujarat boilers' with the help of firewood galore from the estate added to the comfort.  Unfortunately, the weather was not the traditional wintry cold - blame the global warming which is gradually creating havoc in the Western ghats.

 

We drove in two cars to my brother's estate, 10 kms. away, to visit Redmond who had joined us for lunch. An even larger house, old and traditional, occupied by 4 brothers and a sister (none of them married, hence, happy as a senior-citizen family) welcomed us. My friends got lost in the labyrinth having 8 bedrooms and were amazed at its vastness. We had just enough time to step into the 100 year old coffee plantation before it was dark. They also saw the coffee pulper, but I could not take them to the cattle shed and the gobar gas unit.

 

On Sunday, after Harriet, Reena and myself returned from 7 O'clock mass at a nearby place, and breakfast of chapathies, bread, butter and marmalade, washed down with home-produce coffee,  I showed them around the estate. We had a quick lunch - a balanced Chinese fried rice - before Prabhakar and company left at 1.30. I drove Leo, Philipa, Harriet and Reena to Hassan, 20 kms. away, to put them into their respective buses, seats reserved.  And now, here I am all alone once again. Do I regret?  Not at all, I love, equally, solitude. We will meet next at Hector's beautiful, large house in Bangalore on 18th December. Till then au revoir!

 

from Raphael on 9th Nov 2010

I also noticed that emails have stopped flying around. I know some of us sent too many emails. It may have made some feel it is all junk mail.
 
I hope everyone will send at least one email a month and keep the hype going. Send pictures of mini reunions. Send good news and important news and share it.
 
Sincerely

Raphael Maliakal

God be praised...

Dear Lionel...

 

God be praised!

Glad you have successfully treated your eyes. One is horrified at the thought of putting oneself in the hands of doctors and emerging with an adverse result instead of the remedial cure expected.

On the "SAC-batch of 1960" front, things have been a bit dull and quiet lately - except a get-together reported by Jossie Rego about our Bangalore based batchmates with their wives meeting over dinner at his place recently. He even sent some pictures of the evening, which for some reason I haven't been able to upload onto our Class-Blog yet.

 

I suppose after all the CWG hypes - both regarding the tally of medals won, and the corruption scandals; followed by the Adarsh Housing Society for Kargil Heros scam at Mumbai; and the more proximate Obama visit that gripped our volatile and emotion filled nation silly - there's been no respite nor room for anything else! Never a dull moment in our country, I must say!

 

With warm regards,

 

Maxie

 

 

From: <elfahoist@indiatimes.com>

Date: 9 November 2010 21:06
Subject: Re: Commonwealth Games - 2010
To: Maxwell Pereira <mfjpkamath@gmail.com>

Hi Maxi,
You must be wondering where I disappeared after our memorable reunion. I had to undergo cataract operation which went bad & had to redo laser treatment. Anyway by the Grace of God I can see with both my eyes.
With love,
Lionel Vasant

 

Marriage in Heaven

From: Peter Fernandes in Mumbai
Date: 27 October 2010 22:36

CAN WE GET MARRIED IN HEAVEN?

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.... For a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work?

Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. 

 

Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

Scam

From: Raphael Maliakal in Boston
Date: 27 October 2010

 

I got an email from Claudius Pias that he needs help. It is a fake letter. I have seen similar letters from other friends. I hope Claudius has taken care of it. He should change pass word and/or email address.

Sincerely

 

Raphael Maliakal

Commonwealth Games - 2010

India did it, after all....
Despite all controversy over lack of preparedness, inefficiency, confusion and corruption, India gave the world, and the Commonwealth, its best Games ever.

Its total tally of 101 medals was an unimaginable best ever, beside its triumph at pipping England to the second best position in the over all ranking of medals tally based on the number of gold medals won. With 2 more golds won on the final day taking their total golds to 38, India overtook England's gold tally of 37, a figure which England had reached with a whopping haul of six golds on the penultimate day.
In the fitness of things, the Closing Ceremony also show-cased the martial arts tradition of India performed by 800 artistes from different states of India. Not many know that the now much touted judo, kung-fu, tae-kwan-do and related Chinese, Korean and Japanese martial arts all evolved from our own Kerala;s Kalaripayattu - knowledge of which was carried to mainland China by the greatest of (Chinese) voyagers ever even before the time of all the great voyagers we studied about in history recorded by the British to suit their agenda.
Maxie

--
Maxwell Pereira IPS (Retd.)
3725 Sector-23, Gurgaon-122017

Scholarship Fund.

Date: Wed, 13 Oct 2010 15:28:06 +0530
Subject: Scholarship Fund.
From: walterstevesj@gmail.com

Latest update on Scholarship Fund. Contributions received:

1. Victor Currie - Rs.5.000
2. Fr.Cyril Veliath - $100 (App. Rs.4,500/-)

Please forward this mail to Class of 1960.

 

 

With warm regards,

 

 

Walter

something I forgot to share with you earlier: Article on St Aloysius published in Times of India on 11 Jan 2005

Friends,

Sharing with you an old article written by me almost six years ago on St. Aloysius'.and published in the Times of India Mangalore on January 11th 2005 - on the occasion of the jubilee, the 125th Anniversary of the institution.

Regards,

Maxie

Fantastic_Trip by NASA

Someone put this thing together....
Amazing!!!!!
Thanks Jossie..
Maxie

On 10 October 2010 06:30, Joseph Rego <regojs@yahoo.com> wrote:
Fantastic Trip by NASA - Worth a watch.

Just the right warning!!

From: Trilochan Bailur
Just see what a few judicious words veiling a threat can accomplish!!

Just the right warning!!

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he
insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

'Yes, Dad, what is it?'

'Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't
go well...... if something happens to me, your mother is going to come
and live with you and your wife.'

The surgery was a great success.

Love children???

From: Trilochan Bailur on 19 September 2010.................

 

Love children???

Why do we love children?   NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!' OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..' KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now She's hitting the bottle. MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?' POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?  Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?' POLICE #2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do? ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!' DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.' DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!' BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!' NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT.

Classy & Witty - Steven Wright Quotes

STEVEN WRIGHT QUOTES
 
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some of his gems:
  
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
 
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
 
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
 
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
 
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
 
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
  
9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
 
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
 
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... but she left me before we met.
  
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
 
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
 
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
 
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
 
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
 
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
 
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
 
19 - I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.
 
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
 
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
 
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
 
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
 
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
 
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread
 
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
 
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
 
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
 
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
  
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Make Your Home Malaria And Dengue Free.

Camphor- The effective & healthy mosquito repellent!  Malaria and Dengue are on a steep rise. We all must be using liquid or the old blue tablet type of mosquito repellents sold under various names. Despite their use, it is common to see mosquitoes hovering around with the best of repellents in action. Secondly, we cannot use these mosquito repellents whole day – be they be of any brand. Thirdly, many people land up with allergies due to them. In the past, man would light diyas and burn camphor on a regular basis as a part of daily puja. These helped to purify the air and keep harmful bacteria, viruses and mosquitoes away! We can definitely have a better and healthy environment with the use of camphor. Camphor or Kapur is a waxy, white or transparent substance extracted from the wood of the Camphor Laurel tree found in Asia. Camphor has many known medicinal uses- It relieves nasal congestion and cough when rubbed on the chest as an oil. Camphor is used as an ingredient in throat lozenges and cough syrups and in Vicks. Camphor is also used in some anti-itch ointments, creams and cooling gels because it is can be absorbed through skin and is effective at treating pain locally. It has an analgesic effect which makes it a favorite oil to be used in pain relieving massage blends for sore muscles and arthritic pain. Camphor is known to improve the quality of air making it a better for our lungs and heart. Many people are not aware of the Mosquito repellent power of Camphor - a simple solution without side effects and very cost effective. CAMPHOR IS A NATURAL MOSQUITO REPELLENT With effect round the clock! You do not need to burn it for that. There are three easier ways to do it -

 

1.        Put 2 tablets of commercially available camphor on any warm surface- the device shown in the picture serves the purpose well. Plug it for an hour and see the results! You can do it twice a day- morning and in the night as well!
2.        Place 2 tablets of camphor on different corners of the room or at places where mosquitoes seem to love to stay! Leave them there and they will evaporate in a day or so keeping the air purer and mosquito free.
3.        Take a wide opened cup or plate with water. Drop 2 tablets of Camphor into the water. Keep the cup with water and camphor in your sleeping room. The quantity of water and camphor may differ from room size. Water evaporate at normal temperature. Camphor slowly started dissolving in water. The water evaporates with Camphor smell. Adding little bit hot water gives instant action. 

 

You will be amazed at the results! Do experience it and help spread these healthy tips! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

--- On Tue, 7/9/10, Iona D <ionai@yahoo.com> wrote:

From: Iona D <ionai@yahoo.com>
Subject: Make Your Home Malaria And Dengue Free.
To: "Trevor DCunha" <trevordcunha@ymail.com>
Date: Tuesday, 7 September, 2010, 11:46 AM

--- On Fri, 9/3/10, Ravi Mullick <ravi.mullick@gmail.com> wrote: From: Ravi Mullick <ravi.mullick@gmail.com> Subject: Fwd: FW: Make Your Home Malaria And Dengue Free. To: ah@astecls.com Date: Friday, September 3, 2010, 4:59 PM ---------- Forwarded message ---------- From: <veerajan@naath.com> Date: Fri, Sep 3, 2010 at 3:33 PM Subject: FW: Make Your Home Malaria And Dengue Free. To: Aarti Singh <aartis25@yahoo.co.in>, "Anuja P. Sharma" <apms84@hotmail.com>, Dileep Patel/Personal <dileeppatel@hotmail.com>, Gayatari Jaiswal <qtqtgj@gmail.com>, Kanwar Vipin Malhotra <kvm@kvmpackaging.net>, Manoj Pant <manojpant@yahoo.com>, Nandan Maluste-Personal <nandan.maluste@gmail.com>, Navjit Ji -2 <dr@dranand.org>, Radhika Nath <NATH.RADHIKA@mahindra.com>, Rajesh Mehra/G-mail <rfmehra@gmail.com>, Rajiv Shrivastva/Personal <rajivns@emirates.net.ae>, Rattan Malhotra <malhotrarattan@gmail.com>, Ravi Mullick <ravi.mullick@gmail.com>, sanjay sethi-2 <ssethi@airtelbroadband.in>, Shahzad Zaffar-G-mail <shahzad.z@gmail.com>, Shloka Nath/G-Mail <shloka.nath@gmail.com>, Sudhir Sood <srsassoc@hathway.com>, Sunil Mehta <sunilsmehta@gmail.com>, Suresh Seth/Personal <slpl12@rediffmail.com>, Savita Shrivastva-G-Mail <savitashrivastva@gmail.com>     From: Jasjit Singh [mailto:jasjitsingh1@gmail.com] Sent: Friday, September 03, 2010 9:32 AM Subject: Make Your Home Malaria And Dengue Free.             DO HELP SPREAD THIS USE OF CAMPHOR TO AS MANY AS YOU CAN!   It's very important and useful for all of us.

 

 

 

--
Maxwell Pereira IPS (Retd.)
3725 Sector-23, Gurgaon-122017

Catholic priest at the races.

...sent in by : Raphael Maliakal on: 8 September 2010

 

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race. Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track.

Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he
knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was standing.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a  mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it."

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "Son," he said, "that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites."

Damn music

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized
I desperately needed to fart.  The music was really,
really  loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of  songs, I started to feel better.   I
 finished my pint and noticed that  everybody was
staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening
to my iPod.

EAT FRUIT on empty stomach

An interesting article.    EATING FRUIT  This is informative!  �  We all think eating fruit means just buying fruit, cutting it up and popping it into our mouths. It's not that easy. It's important to know how and when to eat fruit.  �  What's the correct way to eat fruit?  �  IT MEANS NOT EATING FRUIT AFTER A MEAL! FRUIT SHOULD BE EATEN ON AN EMPTY STOMACH.  �  Eating fruit on an empty stomach plays a major role in detoxifying your system, supplying you with a great deal of energy for weight loss and other life's activities..  �  FRUIT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT FOOD. Let's say you eat two slices of bread, then a slice of fruit. The slice of fruit is ready to go straight through the stomach into the intestines, but it's prevented from doing so.  �  In the meantime, the whole meal rots and ferments, and turns to acid. The minute the fruit comes into contact with the food in the stomach, and digestive juices, the entire mass of food begins to spoil.  Eat your fruit on an empty stomach, or before your meal! You've heard people complain: Every time I eat watermelon I burp, when I eat durian my stomach bloats, when I eat a banana I feel like running to the toilet, etc. This will not happen if you eat the fruit on an empty stomach. Fruit mixes with the putrefying other food and produces gas. Hence, you bloat!  Graying hair, balding, nervous outburst, and dark circles under the eyes - all of these will NOT happen if you eat fruit on an empty stomach.  �  There's no such thing as some fruits, like orange and lemon are acidic, because all fruit becomes alkaline in our body, according to Dr. Herbert Shelton who did research on this matter. If you have mastered the correct way of eating fruit, you have the Secret of Beauty, Longevity, Health, Energy, Happiness and normal weight. When you need to drink fruit juice drink only fresh fruit juice, NOT from cans. Don't drink juice that has been heated. Don't eat cooked fruit; you don't get the nutrients at all. You get  only the taste... Cooking destroys all of the vitamins.  Eating  whole fruit is better than drinking the juice. If you should drink the juice, drink it mouthful by mouthful slowly, because you must let it mix with your saliva before swallowing it. You can go on a 3-day fruit-fast to cleanse your body. Eat fruit and drink fruit juice for just 3 days, and you will be surprised when your friends say how radiant you look!  KIWI: Tiny but mighty, and a good source of potassium, magnesium, vitamin E & fiber. Its vitamin C content is twice that of an orange!  AN  APPLE a day keeps the doctor away? Although an apple has a low vitamin C content, it has antioxidants & flavonoids which enhance the activity of vitamin C, thereby helping to lower the risk of colon cancer, heart attack & stroke.  STRAWBERRY: Protective Fruit. Strawberries have the highest total antioxidant power among major fruits & protect the body from cancer-causing, blood vessel-clogging free radicles.  �  EATING 2 - 4 ORANGES  a day may help keep colds away, lower cholesterol, prevent & dissolve kidney stones, and reduce the risk of colon cancer.  WATERMELON: Coolest thirst quencher. Composed of 92% water, it is also packed with a giant dose of glutathione, which helps boost our immune system. Also a key source of lycopene, the cancer-fighting oxidant. Also found in watermelon: Vitamin C & Potassium.. GUAVA & PAPAYA: Top awards for vitamin C. They are the clear winners for their high vitamin C content. Guava is also rich in fiber, which helps prevent constipation. Papaya is rich in carotene, good for your eyes..  Drinking Cold water after a meal = Cancer! Can you believe this? For all who like to drink cold water, this applies to you. It's nice to have a cold drink after a meal. However, the cold water will solidify the oily stuff that you've just consumed, which slows digestion. Once this 'sludge' reacts with the acid, it will break down and be absorbed by the intestine faster than the solid food. It will line the intestine. Very soon, this will turn into fats and lead to cancer.. It is best to drink hot soup or warm water after a meal.  A serious note about heart attacks. HEART ATTACK PROCEDURE Women should know that not every heart attack symptom is going to be the left arm hurting. Be aware of intense pain in the jaw. You may never have  first chest pain during the course of a heart attack. Nausea and intense sweating are also common symptoms. Sixty percent of people who have a heart attack while they're asleep do not wake up. Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound sleep. Be careful, and be aware. The more we know, the better our chance to survive.  �  A cardiologist said if everyone who gets this mail sends it to 10 people, you can be sure that we'll save at least one life. It  can even be your life!

Have A Laugh

LET  US  HAVE  SOME   LIGHTER   MOMENTS…

1 . If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry! Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life! 

2 . Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a good person is like expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian . Think about it . 

3 . Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear,but what we are inside. So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the Admiration! 

4 . Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you don't care who rules the world! 
That's called Attitude . Keep on rocking! 

5 . Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!! 

6 . He was a good man .. He never smoked, drank had no affair . When he died,the insurance company refused the claim . They said, he who never lived, cannot die! 
 
7 . A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles . He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles! 


8 . So many options for suicide: 
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow but sure! 

9 . Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends! 


10 . All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or Married to someone else! 

11 . 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving . 
This makes it a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking! 

Talking clock

From: Trilochan Bailur on 14 August 2010

THE TALKING CLOCK !!?

 

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

 

'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.  
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'YUP, it is' replied the drunk.

 

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up  the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

 

The three stood looking at one another for a  moment.......  
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,

'You ASSHOLE!
It's THREE-FIFTEEN in the MORNING!'

Tasty Cuisine

From: Trilochan Bailur on 14 August 2010

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the potty inside!"

Website - 1900 to 2006 AD - Check News in any year.

.....this came from Trilochan Bailur ...on august-09

Very interesting indeed!

Website - 1900 to 2006 AD -

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