quotable Philosophies

Philosophies     Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have

remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of  Jimmy Carter)

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The secret of a good sermon is

to have a good beginning and a

good ending; and to have

the two as close together as possible.

-  George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea.

Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife,

you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,

you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

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I was married by a judge.

I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.

Every now and then she stops to breathe.

-  Jimmy Durante

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass

all four essential food groups:

alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,

people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

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Money can't buy you happiness.

But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

- Joe Namath

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I never drink water because of the

disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W. C. Fields

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We could certainly slow the

aging process down if it had to

work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. 

As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.

But everything else starts to wear out,

fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller

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By the time a man is wise enough to

watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

-  Billy Crystal